The Pastmaster Rings Always Twice
Cast * Razor - Barry Gordon * T-Bone - Charles Adler * Callie Briggs – Tress MacNeille * Commander Feral – Gary Owens * Mayor Manx – Jim Cummings Guest Cast (in order of appearance): * Jack – Earl Boen * The Pastmaster – Keene Curtis * King – Earl Boen * Burge – Frank Birney * Dr. Abby Sinian – Linda Gary * Sgt. Talon – Ed Gilbert * Enforcer Commando – Ed Gilbert Supporting Cast (in order of appearance): * Tom – Barry Gordon * Museum Guard – Frank Welker Transcript Jack: Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea, Tom. This old boneyard is supposed to be cursed! Tom: Eh, what are ya, Jack, a scaredy-kat? We find somethin’ valuable, and the museum’ll pay big bucks for it! So shut up and keep diggin’! Hey, I think I’ve hit paydirt! Gimme a hand here! There’s probably treasure inside. Jack: Ugliest treasure I’ve ever seen. Tom: Yeah, well this old watch has gotta be worth plenty of–- What?! Jack: Wh–Who are you? Pastmaster: I am the Pastmaster, imprisoned in here for eight-hundred years! Jack: I told you this place was cursed! Pastmaster: At last I’m finally free! Now to find my book of spells! Jack: Let’s get outta here! Tom: No way! We’re gonna sell that old gnome to the museum, watch and all! Pastmaster: Curse the council! My book isn’t where I hid it! Tom: You’re comin’ with us, Pastmaster! Pastmaster: You foolish mortals! Even without my spellbook I have enough power to deal with vermin like you! Let them go! I have more important work for you. Start digging, and find my book of spells! King: (via loudspeaker) You are violating a restricted area! Put down those shovels! Pastmaster: Do those modern fools think some infernal machine can stop me? Attack! Burge: Do we read these things their rights? King: You have the right to remain buried! Burge: These bones ain’t movin’ now. What’s this thing? King: I don’t know. Headquarters wants us to take it over to the Museum of History. Burge: Roger. Pastmaster: Perhaps this museum has my book… So, this is what’s been accomplished in eight-hundred years. I want the Dark Ages back. And when I find my Tome of Time, I will arrange just that! (laughs) Razor: (strained) ''4 Mach! ... Sure you wanna be ready for more? T-Bone: (''also strained) Uh… huh! Razor: 5 Mach! All right! I beat the SWAT Kat! T-Bone: Huh? Hey! That's cheating. Ugh. If you say so. Razor: Ha! I'm the best SWAT Kat in ten seconds, and I know if I am! T-Bone: Hey, I know you made ten seconds! I mean, you won't passed out too, and it made it up to yank my tail. If you don't, I'm gonna yank your tail! Razor: No way! I could sure if I'm the personal in ten seconds. From now on, I can handle it if I'm stronger and you too can! Let's make it easier that way before you've got caught cheating! T-Bone: That does it! Two outta three! Razor: You’re on! (strained) ''What's happening? Why don't ya... just keep it up... a good work... and you can do this!... I can take more... Gs than you... But I can... give you a plus! T-Bone (also ''strained) ''I'll believe it when I see it! Dr. Sinian: And so when the museum re-opens, our new exhibit will trace the evoloution of Megakat City from prehistoric swamp to urban sprawl. Callie: This should be enough for me to write the Mayor’s press release. Thanks, Dr. Sinian. Will that be in the exhibit? Dr. Sinian: Oh, just came in, but it’s definitely a part of history. The darker part. These inscriptions date back to the Dark Ages. Callie: Really? Any idea what was inside? Sinian: Jewels, perhaps. Who knows what our ancestors might have buried in here? Pastmaster: Here the past is dead. I prefer my past alive. (chuckles) Museum Guard: Hey! How’d you get in here? The museum is closed until further– (gasps) Pastmaster: And I say it is open! (laughs) Museum Guard: No! Callie: What was that? Pastmaster: I do not want to be disturbed while I look for my book! Dr. Sinian: Oh, good heavens! One of the exhibits has fallen! Callie: One of the exhibits is alive! Pastmaster: Where is my book?! Razor: Hey, Chance! Callie’s callin’ us! I'll get her right away! ''(on the phone) ''Hey, Miss Briggs! What's the trouble? You say somethin' Miss Briggs? Oh, and by the way. Just be careful, Miss Briggs! I'm on my way! ''(end of a call) (giggle smirk) You hear that, big fella? Down these mean skies, A kat must fly, We want to be good guys. T-Bone: Huh? (throws a bucket of a water at T-Bone) Razor: (to T-Bone) Up and at ’em, partner! You think we could fix on her signal? T-Bone: Ugh. Razor: SWAT Kats, To the Jet! T-Bone: Yes sir! To the museum! Dr. Sinian: We can get out through the garage! Razor: We're in a Turbokat! T-Bone: And we're sleeping on a job! Razor: Shhh! Any ideas how to get in a perfect place? T-Bone: Well, I gotta better question, How can you get to the top of the Megakat Museum and beat up that giant creature? Razor: Answer: it doesn't. T-Bone: It's a saber-toothed cat. Razor: Since it's pretty quiet. T-Bone: Yup. Quiet. Act Two T-Bone: What are we gonna do? Popping canopy? Razor: I'll show you! Bingo! I'll give you a hand, ladies. T-Bone: Nice going, pal! (scared) Uh oh. Razor: T-Bone! T-Bone: Thanks, Razor, but I should’ve taken him. Uh, Mr. Bossypants, I've got a feeling. Aren't you gonna use to that cement machine gun? Razor: Just makin’ sure this kind a gun was operational. Whoa! Looks like the Enforcers are here. Late as usual. T-Bone: Those exhibits are gettin' a lifelike. Pastmaster: My Tome of Time. Eight-hundred years is far to long to be separated from such power! Dr. Sinian: Only a sorcerer’s dark power could have brought these ancient bones to life. It must have been the Pastmaster. Callie: If you mean that weird little guy in the hood, why don’t you just ask him? Dr. Sinian: Oh, no! He’s stolen an ancient spellbook! Sgt. Talon: All right, buddy, hand it over! Pastmaster: The Tome of Time belongs to me! Hear the spell of this immortal, send this creature through the portal! Dr. Sinian: It’s a Megasaurus rex! Pastmaster: Out of my way, you fools! I command the past, and your future looks bleak! (cackles) Razor: Look's like you're good at flying the jet on. T-Bone: Hang tight, we’ll take care of this. Razor: Let's kick some tail! T-Bone: Yup! Razor: (deploys Octopus missiles) (strained, as the jet flies out of control) It… just… kicked our tails! Dr. Sinian: The SWAT Kats! Callie: They’re gone! Dr. Sinian: Now who will save Megakat City? Razor: Hurry up, T-Boy! I'm waitin' for ya! T-Bone: Gotcha! Razor: Way to go! Hey, sleepin’ beauty, looks like this creature whipped us into the past. T-Bone: (tired) Uhh I don't know, Razor. I've got a feeling that we're not in the city after all. You got a better theory how to get back? Razor: Well, I’ve got a better question. How does a jet stay in the air without fuel? T-Bone: Did you say something? Razor: Well, I’d better get to work fixing that torn fuel line. T-Bone: (dejected) Fine. The closest gas station is only a million years away. Razor: ''(gasps) ''What are these? T-Bone: Ejektors! Engaged! I guess we showed them! Razor: Affirmative, but now we have to show them! T-Bone: Your Octopus Missiles are good. Pastmaster: (cackles) Enforcer Commando: Fire! Pastmster: Aha, there is a way to destroy this modern monstrosity called Megakat City, and bring back the Dark Ages! Enforcer Commando: It’s no use, Commander! We’ve thrown everything at that lizard! Feral: I’m surprised those meddling SWAT Kats aren’t here. Enforcer Commando: They got taken out early, sir. Feral: Really? Well, we can handle this. Launch gas grenades! Enforcer Commando: Yes sir! Pastmaster: The spell must be cast from the tallest clocktower in the land. Once that was my tower, but now… You stupid beast! Feral: They’re not going anywhere! Dr. Sinian: Get that spellbook from the Pastmaster, or we’re all still in danger! Feral: I give the orders around here! Callie: Feral, Dr. Sinian knows what she’s talking about. She’s the curator of the museum. Feral: All right. Throw a net over that guy! Pastmaster: Hear the spell of this immortal, send these creatures through the portal! Callie: Too little too late, Feral! Feral: This is Feral. Bring me chopper backup! Pastmaster: Yes, that clocktower will do nicely! Callie: He’s headed for City Hall! Manx: (startled) Huh? Razor: Okay, T-Boy, you're up! T-Bone: Spider Missiles, now! Razor: Bingo! T-Bone, follow me! T-Bone: Into a live volcano?! Razor, Are you in charge? Or- Razor: Just in case if you look so craziest than I am! T-Bone: Lucky for us, where're those Oxygen stuff coming from to use it? Act Three Razor: Oxygen masks, now! Wow! These leather-wings don’t have gas masks. and I'm pretty sure of hoppin' was kinda nice. T-Bone: Smells like prehistoric fried chicken. Volcano-skippin' was very incredible, but I don’t wanna spend the rest of your nine lives stuck in dinosaurville. Razor: Affirmative. It just might get the Turbokat back in the air. T-Bone: You betcha! Lucky for us those leather-jet fuels don't even resist! Feral: Let me blast that gnome and his buzzards off of there! Manx: I give the orders around here, Feral, and you’re not going to blow up my City Hall, until I know who we’re dealing with and what he wants! Callie: He’s an eight-hundred year old sorcerer from the Dark Ages! Manx: Perfect! Well, don’t just stand there! Get up to the tower and find out what he wants! Razor: Fuel tanks are modified. Give me some gas! Do we really think this is gonna work? T-Bone: Fuel tanks? Theoretically. Razor: Right! The natural volcanic gas mixture should get us off the ground. Or blow us up. T-Bone: Get us off the ground or blows us up? And what's that for? Pastmaster: Alas, it’s too late. When this clocktower strikes noon, my Dark Age city will return, and your Megakat City will be no more! Callie: Wait! The Mayor has authorized me to give you anything you want! Money! A parade in your honor! Pastmaster: How generous! But I’m already getting what I want! A return to the past! Dr. Sinian: Our only hope is to destroy that book! Callie: And we’re running out of time! Pastmaster: You’re really going to enjoy the Dark Ages! Callie: Guess it’s up to Feral now, especially without the SWAT Kats. Razor: Looks like I'm in charge, and I guess I'm the best gunner in the Megakat City! T-Bone: We should’ve tried the unleaded volcano. Razor: Well, at least we didn’t blow up. Feeding time again, guys? Aww, Sorry, SWAT Kat ain’t on the menu! T-Bone: You heard us. They aren't! Razor: T-Bone! Looks like another one of those time holes are opening. T-Bone: Time holes are opening? Where's the time holes? Manx: Feral, you’ve got only three minutes to blast that sorcerer out of the clocktower! Feral: My pleasure! Fool should’ve given the order an hour ago! Pastmaster: Get them! Manx: My office! Pastmaster: It won’t be long, now! Razor: Have no fear, Razor and T-Bone are here! We’re back! Callie: The SWAT Kats! Razor: Looks like our city’s having an identity crisis. Callie: SWAT Kats, you have only one minute to blast the Pastmaster out of the City Hall clocktower! Razor: Who says we can’t fight City Hall? Activatin' blazing missiles...now! T-Bone: Way to go, Razor! Didn’t I pass out already? I- Razor! Wake up, Razor! We need a gunner now! Razor: Why didn’t you're having a plan? T-Bone: Because, you're a good gunner. Manx: They’re too late! Pastmaster: Time’s up! No! Manx: I wish they’d got back in time to save my office. Dr. Sinian: I guess the Tome of Time won’t be making it into the new exhibit. But, at least we don’t have to worry about the Pastmaster anymore. Razor: It looks like they don't call us Razorman and his sidekick, T-Boy for nothing! Yeah! T-Bone: Heh heh. Both (Razor and T-Bone): Rock and roll!Category:SWAT Kats episode transcripts Category:Season 1 Category:1993